For my kids

Uncle Albert, Dicky and Bill  – The fearless ghost hunters

Old uncle Albert lived up on the hill

With his two cocker spaniels Dicky and Bill

And all of the townsfolk whispered and jeered

When ever Uncle Albert and the two dogs appeared

Every Friday for their weekly food shopping trip

And to drop their recycling at the municipal tip

The three fast friends cut an unusual sight

Albert in a jumpsuit spangly and tight

Which brought sniggers and smirks to the townsfolk’s faces

As Albert jiggled and bulged in peculiar places

Though for a man of his age he was entitled to dine

His hospital records said he was 109

Which may have explained why he walked so slowly

But possibly not why he smelled so unholy

Although Dick and Bill may have played a large part

As they both relished a silent doggy fart

To which Albert would exclaim “Well I do beg your pardon…

I wish when you trumped you’d go out in the garden”

But the excuse the dogs had was definitely real

Instead of back legs they each had a set of red wheels

Contraptions Albert had kindly invented

As before when the dogs tried to walk

they were sadly prevented

As the doggies had been born with only front paws

Which originally prevented them from going outdoors

But with their red doggy two wheeled carts

They had no excuses for indoor doggy farts

Now it came to be known that Agatha Toast

Was having strange visitations from an unfriendly ghost

At the guesthouse down at the bottom of the hill

And the haunting came to the attention of Al, Dick and Bill

Now what you should know is they weren’t normal punters

Our heroes were actually fearless ghost hunters

So when poor Mrs Toast asked if they’d come

“Of course” replied Albert “It sure sounds like fun”

When they arrived Agatha welcomed them in

The poor woman was frightened; pasty and thin

”I’m terrified” said Agatha “never been so scared”

She looked worriedly at Dick and Bill; both doggies impaired

And she seemed quite concerned with the figure Albert cut

With his wobbling belly which caused her to tut

But she soon stopped her tutting when from down the hall

There came a horrible wailing, a banshee like call

“Oh goodness” shrieked Agatha “the ghost is here”

“Don’t worry” replied Albert “There’s nothing to fear”

Our three fearless heroes crept down the hall

And were faced with a surprise, not expected at all

There stood a spitting, hissing ghostly tomcat

Flabbergasted stood our heroes, two wheeled and one fat

Then Bill broke the silence with a rasping, loud fart

And off shot the ghost cat like an Olympic race start

“Get him” cried Albert “It’s time for some fun”

And from out of his backpack he pulled his ghost gun

Albert took aim and fired off a shot

The gun spat out some green gloop which looked just like snot

But to Albert’s surprise the ghost cat was fast

And dodging and weaving it avoided the snot blast

The ghost cat raced into the lounge and went behind a chair

Pursued by Albert “You can’t hide there”

The wobbling old fella defying his age

Shooed the ghost cat which was hissing with rage

Out from behind Agatha’s antique

And on went the game of ghost hide and seek

“My good lady, please shut that door super quick”

As the ghost cat was cornered by Al, Bill and Dick

Bill and Dick started barking, they made quite a din

And with the kitchen door closed the ghost cat was blocked in

The snot gun kept firing making the ghost cat all gloopy

As it continued to howl like a rock ’n’ roll groupie

“We’ve got it” cried Albert and threw his special ghost net

Which captured the ghost cat, all sticky and wet

Into a bag went the ghost cat with a yowl

“another trip to the tip” said Albert with a scowl

“You saved me” cried Agatha as pleased as punch

“All three of you are heroes. You must stay for lunch”

And henceforth if a ghost is worrying them sick

The townsfolk ask for help from Albert, Bill and Dick

And when the trio go shopping and to recycle

The townsfolk don’t mock or take the Michael

They shout “Look over there at those three odd looking punters

It’s Al, Dick and Bill the fearless ghost hunters”

So kids remember, if someone looks a little different to you

Don’t judge or mock them – they may be heroes too

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