The Intruder

The little old lady who lived next door

Was laid down on my kitchen floor.

She looked ok from what I could see

And she asked me to make her a cup of tea.

I hesitated not wanting to be rude.

Should I ask why she was completely nude?

She smiled as if reading my mind.

So I made the tea and wondered why I would find

Mrs Mulligan from number 23

Letting everything loose and swing free

In my kitchen, on the floor;

And come to think of it what is more

She hadn’t knocked or rung the bell.

So I asked her to explain and tell

How this had happened, so undeterred

She told me the strangest story I’d ever heard.

So cross my heart and wish me dead

This is exactly what she said:

“I was in the bath splashing about

When the battery in my hearing aid ran out.

So I hopped out of the bath and to the kitchen drawer

Where I knew I had several more.

But when I checked there was only one there.

So I had one when I needed a pair.

Well I hunted high and I hunted low

Until I came across a second solo.

But I dropped it and away it went

Across the tiles and into a vent.

Well when I crouched on the floor

I could see the vent opened up next door.

The battery was now in your place

And I was determined to continue the chase.

The kitchen seemed to be the correct location

Assuming the battery had ceased it’s rotation.

So here’s something you didn’t know:

Our lofts are joined, sort of free flow.

So I didn’t think you’d really mind

If I nipped across just to find

My hearing aid missing bit

Which seems to be under a kitchen unit.

Well I was lying here trying to see

If the battery which is evading me

Is anywhere here about

When I heard you come in and shout.

Well it was more of a girlish squeal.”

“Whoa. Hang on. I really feel

That it was a natural response to let out a yell

Which was definitely manly, anyone could tell.”

I felt flustered and in retreat.

This ancient adventurer laid at my feet.

“Well anyway Mrs Mulligan, here’s your tea

And next time you need a small battery,

Please get dressed and come and knock

And then I won’t have quite the shock

That you gave me when I came in here.”

“Don’t you worry, young man, never fear,

there will be no repeat that’s for sure.

Anyway, I also have a key to your front door.”


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