Mrs Maloney from just down the street
Let out some expletives I don’t care to repeat
“If that cat comes in my garden again” she said
“I’ll kick it right over the garden shed”.
I looked at Mr Heath to see what he’d say
About someone kicking his cat such a long way.
It seemed quite unlikely she could kick it that far,
It seemed over ambitious, a needlessly high bar.
“Mrs Maloney” I helpfully said
“I think its unrealistic to get it over the shed.
If you were younger and stronger and tall
I’d call it evens but you’ve no chance at all.
Why don’t you be realistic in light of your age
I appreciate cat kicking is difficult to gauge
But clearing the flower bed would be a good start for you
And work your way up to something harder to do.”
Mrs Maloney’s response wasn’t very nice
And she didn’t seem likely to take my advice.
Instead she surprisingly ran towards Mr Heath
Kicked his shin so hard he spat out his teeth
Which hit the cat which shot up in the air.
And came down as a replacement for Mr Heath’s hair.
I clapped at this point, it seemed to be right
That I acknowledged that the cat had definitely taken flight.
But now it was perched on Mr Heath’s head
Where it had landed, “Unlucky” I said.
“It’s clearly not actually gone all that high
But its still a good effort, an excellent try.”
Mr Heath didn’t appear to share my view.
He had a cat on his head and had lost his teeth too.
“Don’t worry Mr Heath, I’ll lend you a hand.
We’ll find them in no time, did you see them land?”
Mr Heath seemed to be chewing, his face getting red.
The cat with its claws out still clung to his head.
I spotted the teeth “Hurrah you’re in luck.”
I said as he brushed off some suspicious brown muck.
How on earth the other omission had passed me by.
As that’s when I noticed he was missing his glass eye.
“Mr Heath, you appear to be one eye short”.
He didn’t seem to welcome this newsflash report.
His face got redder, not a good sign
Then I let out a cheer “Everything’s fine.
I can see your eye, its there by your shoe”.
Mr Heath picked it up, uncertain what to do.
He decided to pop the eye straight back in
But it wobbled around as he broke into a grin.
It eventually settled with the eye looking behind.
It was back to front although he didn’t seem to mind.
What bothered me most and it seemed a bit crass,
That sticking out from the eye was a long piece of grass,
Which wiggled and shook and flicked all about,
As he blinked his eye and it refused to drop out.
Eventually I had to point the grass out
At which point Mr Heath started to shout.
Until that moment he had seemed quite relaxed
But the cumulation of events had got him quite taxed.
So he shouted and shouted of this and of that
Of eyeballs and teeth, of shins and his cat
And how the current occupant of his head
would not be flying any where near to his shed.
So at this point I decided to leave if I could.
I’d tried to behave as a good neighbour should.
But both my neighbours seemed somewhat prone
To outbreaks of violence so I left them alone.
And as far as I know although I cannot be sure
Mrs Maloney is still forced to endure
The unwelcome deposits from Mr Heath’s cat
And as they say my dear reader: that is that.