Uncle Albert, Dicky and Bill – The fearless ghost hunters
Old uncle Albert lived up on the hill
With his two cocker spaniels Dicky and Bill
And all of the townsfolk whispered and jeered
When ever Uncle Albert and the two dogs appeared
Every Friday for their weekly food shopping trip
And to drop their recycling at the municipal tip
The three fast friends cut an unusual sight
Albert in a jumpsuit spangly and tight
Which brought sniggers and smirks to the townsfolk’s faces
As Albert jiggled and bulged in peculiar places
Though for a man of his age he was entitled to dine
His hospital records said he was 109
Which may have explained why he walked so slowly
But possibly not why he smelled so unholy
Although Dick and Bill may have played a large part
As they both relished a silent doggy fart
To which Albert would exclaim “Well I do beg your pardon…
I wish when you trumped you’d go out in the garden”
But the excuse the dogs had was definitely real
Instead of back legs they each had a set of red wheels
Contraptions Albert had kindly invented
As before when the dogs tried to walk
they were sadly prevented
As the doggies had been born with only front paws
Which originally prevented them from going outdoors
But with their red doggy two wheeled carts
They had no excuses for indoor doggy farts
Now it came to be known that Agatha Toast
Was having strange visitations from an unfriendly ghost
At the guesthouse down at the bottom of the hill
And the haunting came to the attention of Al, Dick and Bill
Now what you should know is they weren’t normal punters
Our heroes were actually fearless ghost hunters
So when poor Mrs Toast asked if they’d come
“Of course” replied Albert “It sure sounds like fun”
When they arrived Agatha welcomed them in
The poor woman was frightened; pasty and thin
”I’m terrified” said Agatha “never been so scared”
She looked worriedly at Dick and Bill; both doggies impaired
And she seemed quite concerned with the figure Albert cut
With his wobbling belly which caused her to tut
But she soon stopped her tutting when from down the hall
There came a horrible wailing, a banshee like call
“Oh goodness” shrieked Agatha “the ghost is here”
“Don’t worry” replied Albert “There’s nothing to fear”
Our three fearless heroes crept down the hall
And were faced with a surprise, not expected at all
There stood a spitting, hissing ghostly tomcat
Flabbergasted stood our heroes, two wheeled and one fat
Then Bill broke the silence with a rasping, loud fart
And off shot the ghost cat like an Olympic race start
“Get him” cried Albert “It’s time for some fun”
And from out of his backpack he pulled his ghost gun
Albert took aim and fired off a shot
The gun spat out some green gloop which looked just like snot
But to Albert’s surprise the ghost cat was fast
And dodging and weaving it avoided the snot blast
The ghost cat raced into the lounge and went behind a chair
Pursued by Albert “You can’t hide there”
The wobbling old fella defying his age
Shooed the ghost cat which was hissing with rage
Out from behind Agatha’s antique
And on went the game of ghost hide and seek
“My good lady, please shut that door super quick”
As the ghost cat was cornered by Al, Bill and Dick
Bill and Dick started barking, they made quite a din
And with the kitchen door closed the ghost cat was blocked in
The snot gun kept firing making the ghost cat all gloopy
As it continued to howl like a rock ’n’ roll groupie
“We’ve got it” cried Albert and threw his special ghost net
Which captured the ghost cat, all sticky and wet
Into a bag went the ghost cat with a yowl
“another trip to the tip” said Albert with a scowl
“You saved me” cried Agatha as pleased as punch
“All three of you are heroes. You must stay for lunch”
And henceforth if a ghost is worrying them sick
The townsfolk ask for help from Albert, Bill and Dick
And when the trio go shopping and to recycle
The townsfolk don’t mock or take the Michael
They shout “Look over there at those three odd looking punters
It’s Al, Dick and Bill the fearless ghost hunters”
So kids remember, if someone looks a little different to you
Don’t judge or mock them – they may be heroes too
Trying Not To Just Drift Through Life 